::special moment::

2004-04-28T10:00:00.000+08:00

since i found out my layout is the same as someone's... er... shall change it soon k :P. shall use the other nice one.
during geog we got time to research on the stupid aswan dam... got dam [geddit geddit??? hhahaha :D] bored so we started talking about fighting with brothers then i realised the reason why i don't fight with my brother is cos he's stuck in front of the com whenever he's home anyway... no cause for me to beat him up... heh. anyway i refrain from fighting him cos i'll get squashed in less than 5 seconds if i tried... so... heh. amusing.
and am still damn bored... later got math, philo and cle. quite slack, but totally boring :(. hai. want to sleep. want to indiv :). yay yay yay.. hai.
recess is ending soon... bye everyone.

2004-04-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

don't think i'm so tired anymore, just slightly. maybe cos i don't really care anymore.

2004-04-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

aahhhh chocolates are so nice... ha... as soph said... 99% of the people gave chocs... and hehe i also think it's to make up for the no choc days before cadenza :). chocolates are so nice!!! hehe. can't believe i use to hate chocolates cos they taste too milky. i hate anything milky... minus the milky chocolates :D:D:D. haha. can tell i've been pigging on chocs today :P. so pig. later tmr cannot fit into my sch u. heh. which reminds me, i haven't done all my hmwk!!! *cries*. how. the whole day today, i was sleeping or eating chocs... so i haven't done any hmwk :P. i woke up at 12 today... feel so disgusting. heh.

2004-04-25T00:25:00.000+08:00

it was. great. nice. love all of you *kisses*.
well yeah. the feeling just suddenly came. just suddenly felt so wow with the whole band working towards the common goal. so yeah. the cadenza feeling just suddenly came. as in at the time of the pre cadenza sb talk i was still just ok i'm just slightly worried... and SOME people still didn't feel anything at all... :P. and just now the feeling just came. this very great sense of excitement and this certainty that we would be able to do it together as a band.
quite happy i didn't really freak out and i didn't only try my best, i DID my very very best. and well yeah the feeling was there, playing together playing for the audience. well yeah it was a magical night.
the whole feeling was just like syf... i just remember it started, remember the music, then suddenly it was over. but it was nice.
yeah thanks everyone.

there can be miracles when you believe
though hope is frail it's hard to kill
who knows what miracles you can achieve
when you belive, somehow you will
you will when you believe

we will shake vch and walk off the stage with pride

2004-04-21T10:54:00.000+08:00

i think i'm really sick. my head hurts even more now, and i feel dizzy, and my throat hurts, and i've been sneezing and sneezing since morning and my nose is running badly. i used up all of ching's tissue. and i really didn't eat chips and chocolates and i drank 11 cups of water yesterday :(.
3 days.

2004-04-20T21:27:00.000+08:00

i'm damn tired. in every sense of the word possible.

2004-04-20T10:00:00.000+08:00

FOUR days left. and
1. i still suck
2. there's the stupid debate workshop on friday
3. so there's only one day left to indiv
4. it will probably be for sb indiv then. since we still have 1 hour plus to do. so i have no time to indiv at all.
5. and so i cannot sound much nicer by cadenza as i had hoped
6. 2 more band pracs
7. and we still sound horrible
8. a lot of stuff to do... can't go through the pieces in my head once in a while... not when i'm trying to cram chinese and english and whatever else
9. if i don't get at least 5 years of sleep by saturday i swear i'll die on the day
10. i think i'm falling sick. my head hurts when i walk too fast or run or lie down or even try to tilt my head the SLIGHTEST bit. it hurts :(. and my stomach hurts once in a while too. once about every ten minutes :(.
11. and i really really didn't eat any chocolates or chips!!!
12. maybe i'm falling sick cos i miss the chocs and chips :(.

so ANYWAY...
4 days left.

2004-04-19T18:53:00.000+08:00

tried to indiv today. notice the use of the word tried.
my tone is totally mortifying. you should hear it. as in. no. you should not hear it. got so fed up with trying to play nicely that i put my instru down beside yiqing and went to sleep at her feet. as in not really. but i just about did that. well you get the idea.
slept for about 3 seconds and got woken up cos yiqing and guotong wanted to go back to the corr. so well... obviously i went back with them... didn't particularly want to look like a freak sleeping alone at the amphi... especially when i bet the whole school already knows i SOUND like a freak. hai.
then i started packing my concert file because i didn't particularly want to listen to my disgusting playing again... and because i didn't really want all the people playing perfectly nicely there make me feel even worse. went downstairs twice to photocopy scores cos there's no way to flip without skipping a few bars. so now we can flip in the middle of the page and still have the same page there... yay so smart.
anyway was in quite a bad mood -- combination of the weather, my disgusting tone, irritating concert files with pages stuck together etc. SO. when emm called i happily snapped at her... resulting in me being hung up on. as usual. I'm forever getting pissed at people over the phone so they get pissed back at me. and i ALWAYS get hung up on. hai just not fated to have nice friendly conversations over the phone. whatever. sorry emm.
so then i finished packing my concert file. and decided that i had to do something about my horrifying playing if i didn't want the whole audience to stare at my section and wonder which irritating monster was hiding among the clarinets sqwaking disgustingly on some unidentified instru on saturday. [in which case they'll think the monster is invisible and so is the instru since i don't think i really look a lot like a monster and i -will- be holding a clarinet like everyone else...]
SO
I picked up my clarinet...
i looked at it helplessly...
slowly put it in my mouth...

and blew a relatively nice C :). ok so i sounded nicer this time. then started practising the pieces and couldn't play with ANY expression at all. my whole playing was just flat . even my gr last year sounded more expressive, with the very very little feelings that i managed to squish in. but at least i knew it was the best i could do... now i play so totally unfeelingly... i want to put more in, i know i am capable of feeling more, but i don't know where to find the expressions. i just can't do anything to my disgusting playing. maybe my heart shrivelled up and faded away from lack of use... only my brain and my hand ever get used nowadays... thinking of faster ways to finish my homework. I don't ever feel anything anymore. my robotic existence. hai. and SO. I just sounded disgusting lah k.
I suck.
I suck so much that if one day gravity suddenly vanished, everyone on earth would just blink calmly and say, "don't worry we still have jasmine". hai. disgusting.
and cadenza is in FIVE days.

2004-04-14T22:54:00.000+08:00

hai so depressing. all the things i want to do. and all the things i don't want to do.
I want to indiv everyday so maybe i don't have to hide under the chair for the whole of cadenza. maybe i can come out once in a while and hold a few long notes. But then again my disgusting tone will just spoil the whole note. forget it.
I DON'T bloody want to go for lessons everyday. Not like i actually understand anything. I'm just blindly copying down notes cos I AM blind. hopefully I manage to memorise all my notes for exams.
I want to sleep when I get home everyday. but i can't duh. whatever.
I don't want to do disgusting looking homework that don't turn out good no matter how much effort i put into it. what's the point man.
I want to freeze time so maybe cadenza will come later. i'm not ready. so unprepared. i suck.
I don't want to sound disgusting. whatever. like how.
I want to pass at least some of the tests. i should pass one soon. i've been failing too many.
I don't want so many tests in the first place. like whatEVER. they don't give us time to process the information at all. just listen, test, listen, test. not LEARN, test.
I want my life to unscrew. I want a LIFE.
I don't want to keep having to kill myself over things that i never could do. and i've more or less given up on most things... why else do you think i'm wasting my time blogging here.
why does everything always have to go wrong.

2004-04-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

did sb indiv today. was quite fun. and we were warming up longer than we played. almost. AND i was dying for most of indiv... don't know why either... my embouchure was just weird today cos i can't bite the part i bit too hard on yesterday :P. was trying to play with the terribly new and unsucked reed yesterday so... oops :P. AND we only did march prince and shadow. heh. poots. was hoping to go through all the songs. but we did like one quarter :P:P. and we can't find any other days to do sb indiv. see we're so busy :(. heh.
we have 7 tests next week. or someone in class says so. a lot of someones. i didn't bother to count. too many. hai.
and this week has just slightly less. hai. *faints and dies*.
AND cadenza is coming. AND i totally suck. sigh.
AND apparently there's some EOI on cadenza too. whatEVER.
I hate school.
And now it's my turn to complain about rp. it totally sucks. ok it not totally sucks. the workload totally sucks. maybe it's just sec 3. i don't know. if it is then sec 3 totally sucks. hai. either way we still have too much work. :(

2004-04-13T12:57:00.000+08:00

hai
damn bored
damn tired
i want to sleep!!!
heh
stuck in class
with nothing to do
free block also cannot go out o_O
nuts
school so nuts
hi emm here invading haha anyway the sch system sucks i have 7 tests the next week and thats excluding chem and physics this sat. I HATE RP. lala. cadenzas coming. and exchange today =)
apparently there's EOIs on cadenza so we have to go take it
hai.
yay. now it's mable's turn to invade. I hate RP. RP sucks. How are we supposed to take 7 tests in one week and have stupid workshops? Okok. I shall stop cursing. emm's last statement: everyone shld just flunk our exams -_-
not very hard one... i'm already failing all my phy tests
AAAAAHHHHHHHH they just announced that we can go now :D:D. bye all!!!!!!

2004-04-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

finally got a new layout...took a very long time to find it. don't even know what i'm doing here when i have homework. hai. but i love this layout. good.
emm and eyeballs got to reaud. i want to reaud too. hai.
combined prac...quite strange. and i couldn't play anything. i can NEVER play anything after eating. was planning to skip lunch today but well...section lunch so...
i am very very sleepy... it's not even ten yet o_O. good night everyone see you on monday <--school :'(

2004-04-10T20:28:00.000+08:00

hi...